Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	from first to last - note to self
Entry tags:	clandestine

chapter four ;
Title : Clandestine
Author : shinobi
Fandom : Linkin Park
Genre : Angst/Drama
Pairing : C/P
Rating : NC17
Summery : [multichapter] Chester wishes he could go back and change the things that went wrong, erase the mistakes, see the things he never noticed and amend the errors he made. Only he can’t and he’s got to live with the fatal consequences. Forever.








[Chapter Four]

(march 2000)



I stood in front of the shattered mirror, trying to make sense of my somewhat distorted reflection as I attempted to apply some of Mike’s ‘Heavily Mental’ black eyeliner to the lower rims of my eyes. I blinked as I finished the two almost neat, thick lines and stepped back from the mirror to straighten out the black shirt and pants I was wearing.


“Wow, someone looks mighty sexy.”


I spun around, a blush creeping into my cheeks as I saw Phoenix leaning against the doorway to the toilet stalls I was in. A smirk was plastered across his face and he smiled back at me as he stepped inside the dank room.


“You okay?” he asked me as I turned back to the mirror and fiddled with the sleeves of my shirt. I rolled them up, then pulled them back down again and was just about to ask Phoenix which looked best when he placed a hand upon my back.


“Nervous?”


“Is it that obvious?” I asked, my tongue flicking over the silver ring that looped itself through my lower lip.


“Just a little. But, y’know it’s okay. I’m just about shitting myself here, Joe’s gone into a state of silence, Rob’s pacing the corridors, Brad’s making jokes and Mike’s… actually he’s the only one being normal. Just his moody self and staring holes into the walls!”


I chuckled and turned to face the bass player.


“What do you think our chances are?”


“Honestly?”


I nodded my head.


“Without wanting to sound big headed or too confident, I’d say we’ve got pretty good chances. I mean, we’re one step up, we have our publishing deal. These guys seem pretty interested in signing us.”


I gulped, the words alone sending shivers down my spine. I couldn’t quite believe it. It was my twenty second birthday and we had just played a set for a major record label that were interested in signing us? I needed to keep pinching myself, only every time I did, it made no difference for I was still in the building that housed the head quarters of the record label and I was still pissing myself.


“Come on, lets get back to the others. Gut feeling here, but I think it’d do us good to all be together.”


“Sure,” I nodded my head and followed Phoenix out of the dank bathrooms and down the dark corridor that led to the room the rest of our band mates were anxiously waiting inside.


Collectively, we looked like we were attending a funeral. I flopped down on the couch beside Mike and glanced around with a small smile gracing my lips. Brad sat cross legged on the floor beside the door, fidgeting nervously with a small pile of plectrums. He wore a plain black shirt, similar to mine and a pair of dark blue jeans. His arms were adorned with a neat collection of black rubber bands and his comedy hair had all been cut off, now shaven close to his head. A few steps away sat Rob who at first glance looked a spitting image of Brad. Only when you looked again did the differences show. His hair was slightly shorter, a neat goatee was growing from his chin and although younger, he was marginally taller out of the two. On a coffee table in the centre of the room sat Joe, his head in a magazine which I didn’t have the heart to tell him boasted articles on the front cover about penis enlargements and gender swapping operations. He seemed to be relaxed, in his own little world as he tapped his sneaker clad foot against the floor. His track suit had gone weeks ago after the rest of us had taken part in a ceremonial burning of it. He wore black pants and a blue shirt that had the words ‘I’ve lost my cherry, can I have yours?’ loudly splashed across it. Mike was fidgeting beside me with a look of nervousness in his ebony eyes. They were heavily decorated with black eyeliner and tiny bits of blue moon glitter that danced about every time he blinked. I couldn’t help but smile at him as he jiggled his leg up and down and chewed on his blue painted nails. He looked round at me and sighed, his fingers gone from his mouth as he smoothed his hands down over his dark shirt.


“How much longer do you think we’re going to have to wait?” he asked.


Everyone seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief as Mike spoke. It wasn’t just the fact that someone had finally broken the nervous state of silence that had engulfed the small room, but more so that it was Mike who had been the one to speak.


The past few months had been a strange ride of a roller coaster. We’d taken a short break at Christmas, all residing to our homes and crumby jobs for the festive season. By January we’d barely seen one another and at the end of the month we’d gotten together again to rehearse for a string of gigs that Rocky had found for us. Things had been strained to say the least. Phoenix had been going back and forth between us and his other band, leaving the rest of us to wonder if we had a permanent bass player or not. Rob had spent most of the Christmas period in a drunken stupor and was trying to sober himself up. Brad had somewhat mellowed out and I still hadn’t decided if that were a good thing, or a bad thing. I’d spent the break working my ass off in a greasy diner and trying to keep out of my families way as my younger sister had just dropped a bombshell; she was pregnant and she was also just fourteen years old. And as for Mike, he’d not really been himself since the night the night I spent rubbing his back as he vomited a cocktail of Alco Pops and beer in his bathroom.


He’d been distant. He’d suddenly banished any talk about his Mother. He’d pushed me away when I’d asked him if he wanted to talk, he’d tensed up when I’d tried to give him a cuddle or a shoulder to cry on. Rather than lose my rag I’d decided to give him some space and reminded him on several occasions that I was there whenever he needed to talk. I was still waiting though and as we all sat around without an answer to Mike’s question I couldn’t help but think things over and ask if the outcome of today would make or break us.


In fact, it wasn’t long until the door opened and Rocky walked in, followed by two suited men and a woman. I tried my best to get a look at Rocky’s face but his expression was giving nothing whatsoever away.


“Well, we won’t keep you waiting any longer,” one of the men, who I vaguely remembered introducing himself as Will, spoke, fiddling with a clipboard under his arm, “Anyone got a pen?” he asked.


We all stared back at him with blank expressions etched upon our faces.


“Contracts!” he exclaimed, “Things to sign!”


The six of us sat in silence, still staring blankly at him.


“We want to sign you up!”


I stared at him. At the floor. Back at him. At his smart black shoes which I absently wondered; were they leather or manmade? And he said he wanted to sign us up? A small squeak left my mouth and everyone seemed to simultaneously look my way.


“We’re signed?”


Nine faces smiled back at me and nodded their heads and as the penny dropped a huge grin seemed to stretch across my face.


“Oh my God!” I squeaked, getting to my feet, “I freaking love you!” I exclaimed and before I realised I was running over to a surprised looking Will and enveloping him in a rather giddy bear hug.


He looked somewhat flustered as I pulled away and turned to my band mates who were hugging one another, awash with looks of glee and amazement. I danced over to them, hugging them each in turn as an explosion of happiness erupted deep inside of me. Hell, I was that happy that I even gave Brad a huge, suffocating bear hug.


Mike was the last person I hugged and as we wrapped our arms around one another, somewhere deep inside a part of me didn’t want to let go.


“We’ve done it baby boy,” I whispered, “We’ve fucking done it!”




*



I was cold, tired and hungry. I wanted nothing more than to jump into a hot bath then wrap up in my warm fleece pyjamas and fall asleep. Only it was my birthday and the others were having none of it. That’s why I was sitting in the back of the RV and Brad was driving us down the highway at breakneck speeds. If we made it without getting pulled over, we were heading to some bar in town where the drinks were cheap and no one seemed to mind if you just wanted to sit in a corner and get out of your heads.


I was wedged between Rob and a guitar case and Mike, who along with Phoenix was already half drunk, sat on my lap fidgeting about as he tried to roll a joint. Whilst sat on my lap, I repeat. Whilst also rocking about as Brad hurtled down the road. I watched him in amusement for a few minutes before he gave up and clumsily put the lid back on his tobacco tin with a sigh.


“Are we supposed to feel any different?” he asked, a smile spreading across his face.


“About what?”


“Y’know, about being signed… We’re no longer the band that’s constantly rejected. We actually got signed, I mean,” he paused and frowned, “I don’t know what I mean,” he sighed, hiccupping and shifting about in my lap before he went silent.


I glanced across at Rob who just raised his eyebrows and mouthed ‘he’s wasted already?’ to which I nodded and smiled a little, turning back to Mike as he slumped against me and buried his head into the crook of my neck.


“Maybe I should just take him back to his apartment and…”


“No way,” Rob interrupted, “You’re not getting out of this one! I mean, come on it’s a double celebration tonight! You can’t bail out on us, I mean, you’re normally the one drinking everyone else under the table…”


“That’s because I’m the only one who can handle his drink”


Rob raised an eyebrow, “Yeah? Really? What about that time in the motel then? If I remember the story right, you were drunk after a few mouthfuls of vodka…”


“It wasn’t straight though! Michael here put a handful of whatever he’d scored into it!”


Rob smiled, “You’re such an easy thing to wind up at times but you’re not getting out of it.”


“Okay,” I sighed with a slight smile, although why I was smiling was beyond me. I had bad feelings about the rest of the night.


Defeated though, I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind as we continued the rest of the journey in silence, give or take the odd swear word from Phi every time we went over a bump as he drunkenly lay on the floor.


It wasn’t long before Brad was screeching the brakes as the van jerked into the parking lot behind the bar. We always left the van here overnight when we went to the bar. It wasn’t exactly a good place to leave it but so far no one had seemed bothered about attempting to break into the piece of shit and drive it away.


Mike groaned and looked at me with a bemused expression on his face.


“Do we get more money to spend on booze now?” he asked, beaming as he got up from my lap and pulled me to my feet.


“Fortunately for you, no,” I replied chuckling as we followed the others outside.


It was quite busy in the bar and past the tables and booths a small crowd of people had gathered who stood watching the band that were playing in the far corner. I found myself being dragged into one of the booths and wedged in the corner. Mike sat one side, Rob the other and I had a feeling it was their way of making sure I didn’t try to escape. Phoenix somewhat stumbled and sat down beside Mike, leaving Joe and Brad to get the drinks.


“Okay so I don’t know about you guys but I am pretty fucking excited about all of this,” Rob grinned.


“Me too,” I nodded enthusiastically, “I think I can say the same for you two as well, right?” I asked Mike and Phi who both sat beside me with dorky smiles plastered across their faces.


“Yeah,” Phi nodded, “This almost rates as high as the night I had a threesome with my mom’s friends.”


“Okay,” Rob smirked, glancing at me, “That’s a little too much information.”


“Yeah but older women,” Phi winked, “There’s something about them. And men,” he snickered.


Rob made a disgusted looking face.


“It’s true, well, it’s certainly true about men,” I smirked, nudging Mike.


“Ugh trust you to lower the tone!” Rob joked, moving aside as Brad and Joe reached the table with a tray full of drinks.


“What about you Brad?” Mike piped up from beside me.


“Hmm? What?” he asked, sitting down as Joe passed out the drinks.


“Older or younger, what do you prefer?”


“Older or younger what?” Brad asked, a bemused look growing across his features.


“Women,” Rob smiled.


“Or men,” Mike added with a smirk on his face.


I began to giggle with him, almost snorting as Brad shot the pair of us, especially Mike, a death glare. Brad Delson had to be one of the most homophobic people I knew. He’d never be violent toward homosexual people, nothing like that. He was just one of those people who upon hearing the phrase ‘anal sex’ would visibly cringe, screw his face up and shriek about it being so completely disgusting and wrong. For the most part he kept his narrow opinions to himself which was one thing I actually liked about him.


“I’d say older,” Brad finally answered as Joe sat down and proceeded to nod in agreement.


“You sure Brad?” Mike asked again, that mischievous glint in his eyes that often came out when he was drunk. Or high. Or both.


“Sure about what?”


I took a sip of my manly drink of gin and tonic and watched with a smile on my face as Mike continued to wind our guitar playing friend up.


“Women. Older ones at that. I mean what about men?” he asked raising his eyebrows, “Don’t you ever fancy a little fumble with some innocent man that you could do all sorts to?!”


I almost choked on my drink and looked around the table to see Phi, Rob and Joe doubled up in laughter, and Brad with the most outraged look on his face which only led me to snort and burst out into hysterics.


“Come on,” Mike grinned, pausing to take a swig from his bottle of Smirnoff Ice, “Don’t tell me it’s never crossed your mind.”


Brad was bright red now, blushing as our laughter calmed down and the five of us smiled back at him. Winding him up was so easy and I realised I should tell Rob that Brad here, was way easier to wind up than me.


“Anyway what we were originally talking about was how exciting all of this is…”


“What, fucking guys?” Mike smirked.


“No,” Rob rolled his eyes, “I was going to say we were saying that finally getting signed, it’s so weird, don’t you think?”


“Yeah,” Joe nodded, “It’s just a little surreal.”


“Excuse me a second,” Mike spoke, placing his empty bottle down on the table, “Just going to use the bathroom.


He smirked in Brad’s direction as he squeezed past an equally amused Joe and Phi and got lost in the crowds as he headed to the toilets.


Rob carried on his attempts to change the subject and I sat back, letting the guitar riffs and beats from the band playing in the corner of the bar drown out his voice. My head bopped a little and I found myself tapping my foot to the beat, humming along a little at the familiar tune. Finishing my drink, I soon found another one swiftly replacing it and let my thoughts drift away as I listened to the music and watched the conversation going on around me. Brad still looked sorely pissed off but the others had long changed the subject and from what I could tell, they were now discussing blow up dolls.


Glancing at the clock, I realised Mike had been gone for a good fifteen minutes. Ever since an incident a few months ago when I’d gone to the toilet and gotten groped by some old pervert, Mike and I had made this ten minute rule. It was self explanatory really. If neither of us returned from the bathrooms within ten minutes, we’d go check. It was Mike’s idea. He’d come to see if I was okay just as old pervert guy had been forcing my hand down his pants.


I shuddered, downed the last of my drink and slammed the glass down onto the table.


“Just going to the bathroom,” I spoke, vaguely hearing Joe say he would get another round in before I came back as I squeezed past Dave and headed across the dance floor.


More people had gathered. A sweaty mass of bodies were now at the front of the stage, swaying and singing along to the soulful melodies the band were creating. Finally reaching the other side of the bar, I pushed open the black door before me and stepped into a badly lit corridor. The pink door on the right indicated the ladies toilets, the baby blue door on my left the gents and the orange door in front of me was salubriously known as the crack hole. Basically it was the door you could step through for a hit if the toilets were too busy, or a quiet grope with whoever you’d picked up. Mike was either behind the blue or orange door. Unless he’d suddenly turned straight and was perving in the ladies bathrooms, but I seriously doubted it.


I stepped through the door in front of me and sure enough, through the dusky lighting and cigarette smoke, Mike was sat in the far corner of the crack hole, amidst a pile of purple coloured cushions with his tongue shoved down some green haired guy’s throat. I watched in amusement for a few minutes as they groped one another in their dark surroundings and green haired guy not so discreetly shoved something in Mike’s pocket. Leaning against the wall, I watched as the stranger got up, fastened his pants and leant down to peck Mike on the cheek before he turned and stumbled past me to the door.


Mike smiled sheepishly as he spotted me, doing up his pants before he got to his feet and walked over to me, a little more sober than he had been not so long ago.


“How long have you been there?” he asked me with a bashful smile as he opened the door.

“Too long,” I replied, following him into the bathrooms, “I hope that was just weed that you got him off for,” I warned, letting the door shut behind me and blinking a little as my eyes adjusted to the bright strip lights above me.


“Hmm, but you wouldn’t kill me if it wasn’t would you?” he grinned, before turning into one of the stalls and shutting the door behind him.


I sighed and stepped over to the row of sinks, turning on the cold tap and splashing a little of the water over my face. Turning the faucet off, I looked back at my grainy reflection, running a hand through my black hair and tutting in distaste at my reflection. I was getting old but the most of me still looked like I was sixteen. I wondered when I was ever going to look my age and stop getting hassled for I.D in bars. Probably never.


Turning around and avoiding my reflection, I hoisted myself up onto the counter beside the sink, reaching into my back pocket for a cigarette before I leant my head against the cold mirror behind me and waited for Mike. I could hear him shuffling about, sniffing and coughing as I lit up my smoke and took a long drag from it. He was bleary eyed by the time he came out of the stall and I watched him wearily, flicking ash into the cracked sink beside me as he staggered over in my direction.


“Hmphiloveyou,” was all that came out of his lips as he stopped in front of me and wrapped his arms around my waist, instantly burying his head against my stomach. I smiled and slid my arms around his back, looking down at him as he continued to mumble incoherencies toward me.


“That was coke, wasn’t it?” I asked, not sounding too surprised as he slowly raised his head and nodded sheepishly.


A sigh is all that escaped my lips and I took a long drag from my cigarette, blowing out a cloud of grey smoke that slowly drifted upwards toward the flickering light above me. Mike stayed with his head buried against me, barely moving with his eyes shut tight and I had to wonder just why the hell cocktails of drink and drug had recently started to become his closest thing to happiness. I was a lousy friend and I needed to talk him out of this lifestyle before it became the only way he knew to live.


Finishing my cigarette, I dropped the butt into the waste paper basket beside me and gently patted Mike’s back. He raised his head and smiled as he backed away and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands.


“Head rush,” he explained as I got down from the counter and straightened out my clothes.


“That’s normally what you get when you get raging drunk and snort a line of cocaine,” I told him bluntly.


“I’m fine now,” he smiled, sniffing and dragging a hand through his black hair, “Come on, lets go and dance,” he grinned, grabbing me by the wrist.


There wasn’t time to protest and before I knew it, my very high, slightly tipsy best friend was pulling me back out into the bar and we were in the middle of the dance floor, twisting and turning to the sounds of band as they were blasted out from the speakers. The sounds being that of Kool G and the Gang. Not a good visual at all.




*




“You’re drunk.”


“Yes. I know.”


“You’re also stoned.”


“Well done Einstein.”


“You’re also behaving like an utter prick. I think one of us should take you home.”


“Well you can shove that idea right up your…”


“Mike,” I cut in, “Brad’s right. Maybe one of us should take you home and…”


Mike stared back at me with a smirk upon his face. He never usually got bitchy with me when he was drunk, but I was starting to see that this time he was definitely about to. After wearing me out on the dance floor, he’d proceeded to drink another four beers and now as we sat around the small booth he was most certainly the worst for wear. He could barely sit up, yet he’d not lost his ability to argue the toss with Brad.


“Come on,” Brad sighed as Rob and Joe came over with yet more drinks.


Dave had passed out long before Mike and I had returned, he wouldn’t be a problem though. Mike on the other hand was notorious for his binge drinking to be followed by activities such as lying down in the middle of roads and declaring his undying love for Nas, going into the twenty four hour store and knocking the porn stands over or refusing to leave the bar until the bartender had called the Police…


“Come on, I’ll walk you home, okay? I’m getting kind of tired as it is and…”


“No way,” Rob interjected me, “You pussy. It is your birthday and therefore you shall drink your way under the table with us. I’ll walk him home, take him back to my place because it’s nearest. Then I shall return and make sure the birthday boy consumes vast amounts of alcohol, okay?”


I started to laugh but was cut short by Mike as he got to his feet, stumbled a little and managed to knock his bottle over.


“Ahh shit!” he exclaimed, “I’m… I don‘t need anyone to walk me, okay? I’m not a fucking dog, or a child,” he shot Brad a glare, “If you want me to leave, then that‘s fucking fine. I‘ll get out of all your faces...”


“Mike, that’s not what we meant idiot,” I laughed, my smile soon disappearing as he pushed past Phi’s half cut body and stormed in the direction of the door.


“I better go after him,” I sighed, getting to my feet.


“No, I’ll go,” Brad told me.


“Here, take my keys. Get him back to my place once he’s calmed down,” Rob smiled, digging in his pocket. He passed the set of keys to Brad who took them before swiftly heading in the direction that Mike had pissed off in.


“Well, drink up Chester,” Joe winked at me, sliding a glass of what looked like Jack Daniels and Coke across the table.




*



It was dark outside, dark and bitterly cold. I was trying to get the key into the front door of Rob’s apartment but failing miserably due to the fact that Rob and Joe were in hysterics on the floor and Brad was trying to stand up whilst holding Phoenix who was murmuring something about Luke Skywalker. I’d had more enjoyable birthdays, but perhaps not as entertaining.


Finally the door in front of me sprung open and I flicked the hallway light on, moving aside as Brad and Phoenix stumbled past me and into the living room.


“Mike?”


The small thud that followed me calling his name led me to believe he was in Rob’s bathroom.


“Ssh,” Rob giggled, “You’ll wake the hens up.”


“Hens?” Joe asked, “I thought you had chickens.”


“I have those too. In the freezer.”


“Wait, what’s the difference?”


The pair of them burst out laughing as we stepped into the hallway. I thanked God that I hadn’t drunk as much as usual and was able to negotiate the light as we entered the small apartment and the door swiftly slammed shut behind us.


“You guys should sit down,” I told them, motioning them into the living room, “I’m going to see if Mike’s okay.”


“Where’s Brad?”


“He’s in here remember? He’s passed out with Phoenix.”


“How did we get here?” Joe asked, “How did we get here?”


I rolled my eyes but found a small smile spreading across my face. Part of me wished I was rat arsed like they all were because that way I could just lie down on the floor and not have to be responsible but the fact is I wasn’t drunk, not in the least and that’s why I was going to check on Mike. Sure, it wasn’t out of character for him to go off on one, but very much so for him to yell at someone who had offered to walk him home. No wonder Brad had proceeded to drink his way under the table when he got back. He’d returned telling us that he’d taken Mike back to Rob’s and he was fast asleep in the lounge, but his absence from the room made me conclude that he was probably heaving the contents of his stomach up into the toilet.


Making sure that Joe wasn’t about to fall from the arm of the couch, I turned away from the giggling mess of the both of them and headed back down the hallway, stopping at the bathroom.


“Mike? Are you decent in there?” I called, rapping my hand against the wooden door.


Getting no response, I turned the handle, pleased that he’d not locked the door behind him. The light in the room was on, a pallid yellow shining down from the ceiling as I stepped inside, a high pitched gasp escaping my lips as I saw Mike.


A crumpled heap on the floor.



*



Maybe I should have figured it out at the time. No, not maybe, I should have seen it; I should have opened my eyes and realised. But that’s the worst thing about life, sometimes you can’t see something, even if you are staring it right in the face. Life’s a fucking bitch for doing that to you.



TBC…

PS; I changed the guys ages to adapt to my fic. Comments would be really appreciated :p